I never knew the meaning of the word home. I always mocked the word, made fun of feeling attached to that place. Home. It didn’t do anything for me. I rolled my eyes at its corny meaning. I was in my head, building puzzles, making diagrams, creating worlds, but the one world I was forgetting to create, the most important one of all was…HOME.
Recently, as I sat in meditation, a warmth came over me, tears rolled down my cheeks and I realized that I was in fact home. The word reverberated through me, filling my heart with so much love.
I had never felt like I was home before. I had always been running, rushing, fretting, anxiety ridden and searching, never creating home. I didn’t even know how to create home. It was this entirely foreign concept to me. Words like warmth and nourish became something new. They became life, like breathing, settling in, nesting.
And what I realized was that, creating home was not something that one does on the outside rather it is a settling in on the inside. It is the ability to be inside oneself without looking to the outside. The ability to nest and create a beautiful space representative of what is happening on the inside.
I was always searching on the outside, even when I knew it needed to come from the inside, I still didn’t know how to settle in and truly create home within myself…create home within myself. Truly, that is what home is, it’s a going inside and nourishing yourself so that you are able to nourish others. Home is the ability to love and let go and to trust and root down without feeling trapped or stagnant. It is a comfort in the deepest core of your being, a knowing that all is okay. All is right. You are being taken care of and you are home.
You are home within yourself. You are home in the center of your own being, in your own heart, you are home. Home is having the strength to be vulnerable and the softness to settle into that vulnerability. Home is the quieting of the loudness within. It is trusting yourself, trusting that you are safe and loved. Home is unpacking the boxes and getting comfortable.
I spent most of my life living out of boxes. I never unpacked, never got cozy, and that translated into worry, fear and anxiety. Once I was able to settle in, to root down, to nest within, I came home. Once I breathed deeper and let my heart unwind, once I unpacked the boxes I’d been lugging around for years, once I breathed into those spaces, I came home. And once I came home, my world made so much more sense.