It can be scary to let go of our pain, to move forward and let life blossom. We fear loss. We fear letting ourselves be happy. We fear losing that happiness, but what we give our attention to is what we create. So, when we spend our time fretting and worrying we are creating more fretting and worrying. But, when we spend our time building a strong foundation of love, trust, and security we are growing roots to allow ourselves to blossom in ways we never believed possible.
I have been guilty of gripping onto pain, obsessing and creating stories around it, keeping myself small inside of it. I reveled in my tortured spirit, and in my teen years I would often binge-drink in order to avoid dealing with the stew of pain brewing inside of me. And then one beautiful night I stepped foot onto the dance floor at a rave and it was there that I found God.
This may sound strange, finding God at a rave, but it was the drum beat--the bass line--that penetrated inside; it allowed me to get to the center of my core and, by dancing my way through those dirty warehouses, I began the process of becoming meditative. It was in that space that I started to strip away the ways I'd been hiding from my pain, which meant that I had to face my pain.
In my sober state, without any hiding or numbing mechanisms, I created systems I believed kept me safe. I'd line my bobby pins perfectly, close my make-up bag just right, flip the light switches a certain number of times etc.. If I could maintain the perfection of these routines I felt I could keep life from changing, but what I didn't realize is life wasn't really that great anyway and the only constant in life is change.
Change was scary to me, so scary. I didn't know what was on the other side. I attached and had difficulty letting go. So I wove myself into cages that inevitably I'd always have to break free from. And then the cycle would begin all over again. And it was in these systems that I thought I had created the perfect system to keep me from loss, to keep me from pain. But, the pain was already there. It lurked inside of me and it had to be used. I had to transform it into a thing of beauty.
On that dance floor, I felt God and from that moment forward every action contributed to my healing. Every moment since has been a process of learning to alchemize my pain into light.
It takes time and discipline and patience to transform our pain, but it is necessary. It is through the use of our darkness that we are able to shine bright, which enables others to shine bright as well.
We are always growing. We are always changing. And it is through action that we are able to move forward, that we are able to manifest the greatest versions of who we are into the world. This is not easy.
At their worst, our minds create so much fear, but once we harness them and train them to use that fear for the good, it is then that our fear becomes love. And then we are living, truly living, not merely existing and hiding, but embracing the beauty of what life is.
Peace and Love...xoxoxo