Trust and faith were never words that I believed in.

I thought too much, analyzed too deeply, created catastrophic outcomes. It felt safer that way. As though if I expected the worst I would never be disappointed. What I didn't realize is that in expecting the worst I was keeping myself from experiencing beauty. I was blocking the wonder that exists in the unknown.

Life is full of lessons. It's packed with them. And the lessons repeat as needed. I, apparently, am supposed to learn to trust and have faith. I'm a stubborn asshole, less of one now than I used to be, but the stubborn-ness still lingers. 

Faith and trust are intimately connected. In order to have faith one must trust and in order to trust one must have faith. I never used to have much of either. It was way more comfortable to try and control until I couldn't breathe and I was suffocating everything and everyone around me. At least, I thought it was more comfortable.

But, the universe was relentless in her pursuit to teach me this lesson. And, after putting up a great fight, I believe I am finally surrendering my mind and my paranoia to faith.

As a writer, it is easy for me to tangent off into paranoid delusions, stories that feed the strings of fear I've not yet been able to break free of. It is only recently, in the last few weeks, that I have been successful at releasing from them completely. It is only recently that I have been able to sit and breathe and trust on the deepest of levels. I've had moments of this feeling, glimpses, if you will, but more recently these moments stretch to days.

I spent so much of my life in a state of fearful control that it felt normal. To control was the right way to be, but as I grew and changed I had to surrender. If only I'd know it was that simple. Yet, even in surrendering I had to go through the dark to get to the light. In surrendering, the fear came out of hiding. It floated to the surface so that it could be removed. 

It's not been an easy task. Removing fear and accepting faith. It feels like being thrown into a big black unknown part of space. Everything is foreign. It's all unknown. I don't have control and that is the most beautiful part. To relinquish my false sense of control and let life unfold, blossom naturally. As humans, we are all meant to let go this way. To let live life in the moment and trust. If only it were so easy, but it is a daily surrendering to something greater than ourselves, a daily letting go, a daily acceptance with grace. With grace, that's the key, with grace.

Faith, a foreign word and one that I am coming to regard with such fondness. In a world built on control and allusions, to take a deep breath and with love in my heart know that I have faith is one of the greatest gifts of all. I have faith in you. I have faith in me. I have faith...

And in having faith, I trust. I trust. And, I remind myself of my faith and trust in every moment of every day!